Hi there. I feel like we have been here in this space before. The one where we aren’t sure what we are about to read, but know that it intrigued us to the point that we wanted to be here. Sometimes these topics of who we are, are tough. And not because we worry what people see in us. I mean sure, there are the daily insecurities that we all face and they are nothing to scoff at. But I’m talking about the other things we worry about. The things that people don’t see. The things that are happening behind the smile. You know, the one we put on every day and accompany with the words “I’m fine”. Yeah, those are the things we are about to read and talk about. I think the perspective of what happens behind the happiness we project and the pain we suppress is really truly important.

Behind the smile there is a mom who is doing her best. She is tired. She is constantly worried and questioning her every move. Wondering if this brand of food is okay to give the kids even though it’s all she has right now. Wondering when and who will do the laundry. Angry thar her jobs calls her the same time her kids do. Wondering if she sent the note in the folder this morning about parent pick up. Stressing about how she will make the chorus concert when it’s scheduled at the same time as her yearly review meeting. Wondering if she will remember to pick up the dry cleaning. Wondering if she is enough. Upset when she looks in the mirror but reminds herself this is the body that brought her babies. Wanting to have more time for herself but just not sure how. But yet, she smiles.

Behind the smile there is a dad who wants to be home more. Who wants to remember all the things. Who wants to be there for the things. Who knows his work is important but has a hard time accepting that when it looks like a long commute, email after email, and missing things. He is happy he volunteered to be the sports coach but it feels like another stress. He feels like he is so out of touch with everything, but yet he smiles.

Behind the smile there is someone partner. Husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. They struggle with balancing work and their relationship. They want to be present, but feel pulled every which way. They want to grab them and dance in the kitchen, but seem to always have the thought after the fact. They want to walk in with a special treat, but had a no music, silent drive home. They want to meet them with grace and love, but snap with attitude. They want to open up, but sometimes hold it in. They want to give them all the love in the world, but sometimes need sleep. They want things to change, but just don’t know how. But yet, they smile and try to make it work.

Behind the smile is a scary place to be. It’s a place where our darkest fears, our deepest struggles, and our biggest insecurities live. It’s a place we cover with the easiest bandaid of all. It’s a place we all have. And while they may differ and while they may not always align perfectly. The things behind the smile are the things that actually make us do the opposite. These are the things that cause tears. That cause racing thoughts. That cause heartache and negative self talk. And while these are all things that we try to hide from the world, they are actually the things that we can connect on the most. And how amazing would it be to even be able to share one of those things with someone knowing that they have a boatload of their own things as well. It takes away the fear of being judged. Of not being enough. Of failing. And maybe, just maybe, by talking about what’s happening behind the smile, will change the smile. Maybe that smile will be genuine. Maybe it will fill us with happiness. Maybe it will remind us that we are working on what’s happening behind. And maybe, just maybe it will help us to realize that we really are all not that different.

So the next time we see someone, they meet us with a smile, and they say they are fine. Instead of saying “oh good”, maybe we say, “you sure?” Because all it takes is for someone to know that there could be something else happening to let someone let you in. Maybe we start to look beyond the smile, and love what’s there even more. Maybe, just maybe, behind the smile isn’t such a dark place. Because we have the power for it not to be. So let’s start with there.

All my love. All my heart. And hope for us to be all smiles soon.

Caroline

Omg. Ahhhh! YAY!!! The blog is BACK! You all have no idea how excited I am for this space to be established again. I don’t really want to say this is a start over because so much love, honesty, and realizations have happened in this space, but with its year long absence I feel an introduction is necessary. The TORQUE community is constantly growing, in all the best ways, so for those of you who have yet to experience the blog…welcome. For my OGs who have been supporting my writing for years, you’re the reason we are here. I hope that with the blog being back in our lives, we can all connect on these topics through words and hearts while striving to be our best selves. This blog was born through a text message of sharing how far I came out of a dark time in my life. Words are powerful. But when words simmer within our souls and ignite into action, that is an unstoppable force. My hope for this blog is to remind you that you’re not alone in all the things we face. I want this blog to give you the courage, motivation, and support to continue on through all the things. One day. One step. One word at a time. So here we are. This is that space. And I am so glad you are here.

For those of you that know me, I’m sending you a big hug right now. But for those of you who don’t, HI! My name is Caroline. I am newly married to my hubby, DJ, and still struggle to introduce myself as Caroline DeBrakeleer. It’s a mouth full, don’t worry if you can’t figure it out. Neither can my 20 first graders, but we will keep trying! I am a teacher and love all things learning. I am an avid Penn State fan and found TORQUE during my time at Penn State. I am 25 years old and while I am young in age, my heart and soul are old. I found peace and grace in the spin room during a hard time in life. I’ve cried so many tears, had so much growth, and found so much love through being a part of the TORQUE community. I am pretty excited to live this again because i am finally coming out of my spin retirement that I’ve been in for the last year! I was an avid spinner and am so excited to get back into my routine. Between the wedding, completing my masters, and a tough year at school, I am so happy to be back. While I miss the morning crew so much, I will be there Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings for now! I can’t wait to sweat it out with you on the bike. But if our paths never cross, maybe our hearts will through these posts.

I said earlier that this blog was built via a text message. And I am not lying when I say that. Words and writing are a gift that I have had that I never had a home for. Summer made it happen. She believed in my words so much that they became this. I am so so so excited to be writing again and I hope that my experiences, my short comings, my growth, and success can help us all connect. Because that’s what this is about. Connecting. Being people. Loving each other. Facing our selves and our worst thoughts. And honestly, walking each other, hand in hand, home.

I can’t wait to grow with all of you through words, light bulb moments, tears, laughs, realizations, and fun! Life has to be a balance of all the things. I hope I can create a space for us where life comes to life through words and we feel inspired to continue to put them into action. This is just the beginning of truly anything we want…will you follow along with me? Hope to hear your thoughts and feel your love along the way!

Grace & Gratitude,

Caroline

To whoever is reading this, hi. I know that scrolling through, seeing this title, deciding to click on it, and get to this space might not have been easy. You may have thought about whether you should open this or not. Maybe you aren’t sure if you’re struggling, but it seemed compelling. Maybe you are struggling, this seemed scary, and you clicked on it anyway. Whatever the reason is. Whatever the feelings were, it doesn’t matter because you are here. And for that alone I am proud of you. I am hopeful that this blog, this post specifically, can help you to see that you matter and you are certainly not alone. I hope you can find comfort in the idea that people in your community, so many of them, also clicked on this, because somehow, someway it resonated with them. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. And know you are here in this space, with more people than you know. Find peace in the fact that we are all struggling to some extent, and let these words find a place in your soul and your heart.

Struggle. So how does one even define it. We could say it is something that is hard, but then we get to another dead end. How do we define what is hard? Is there a way to define it? Is there a way to measure it? Is what’s hard for me hard for you? The simple answer and only answer is, no. There is no way to compare, measure, or define what hard is. There is no way to do the same thing with the word struggle. And to take it one step further, there is no way to do all of that for the word pain either. Because that’s the cycle right? Something is hard or stressful and stays that way until it becomes a struggle, something that is consistently hard. And then the struggle parks itself in our lives for a period of time and it starts to cause pain, something that wears on us overtime. We start to lose pieces of ourselves in the struggle and through the pain. We start to notice we aren’t as happy. We aren’t as connected. We aren’t as “us”. I say this, because I’ve know it. I’ve lived it and truth be told, a lot of you have too. So what do we do?

Well the first thing we do is we don’t compare. No way no how can we compare our hard, our struggles, or our pain to anyone else’s. Because the reality is these things all have caused us to feel bad about ourselves, make life’s daily tasks more challenging, and caused us to carry stress and grief around for whatever reason. Those things, those impacts, cannot be measured. You can’t one up someone on having low self esteem. It’s like trying to convince someone who has a 42% as their grade as failing more then someone who has a 55%. Bottom line at the end of the day you’re both failing. Is one slightly better than the other? Maybe? But who’s to say? So know in this space your hard and struggle and pain are seen as what they do to you, not what they do for the rest of the world or what they mean to the rest of the world.

The second thing we do is we cry. Yup. That’s right. We feel the feels. We let it happen. Because the only way to move forward is to accept that we are here in this space. So maybe you put on a song that turns you to a puddle. Maybe you don’t even need the song, maybe you just let yourself finally feel it and let it go. Whatever it is do it. But here’s the catch. Only for 5 minutes. Yep, set the timer. Feel the feels. Let it out. Then blow your nose, fix your mascara, and show yourself that you can have feelings and still face the world. When we have too much time to be sad or too much time to dwell on the sad, then we start to get comfortable with those feelings. And they start to feel like the only thing we know. Let yourself feel them, but not for too long.

Another thing we can do is we can come clean. I know that a lot of the times we keep these things to ourselves. It’s hard to admit to someone else that we don’t have it together. I know I struggle with this the most. I want to appear put together. I want to be seen as all good. But the reality is we all know deep down that’s true. In every house there is a junk drawer. In every house there are missing socks. In every office there are unread emails. In every where we go there is something that isn’t fully perfect. Listen when I say this, in every person there is a piece of there heart that hurts. Read that again. It’s okay to be the junk drawer or the lonely sock. Everyone has their turn. The important thing is to have the mindset that talking to someone about your struggles isn’t you complaining. When you talk to someone about the things that keep you up at night or land you on the shower floor crying, that conversation is a gift. You trust that person with your biggest insecurities. You are showing them your vulnerability and laying it all out for them. You chose them for a reason. Have that mindset in your head the next time you talk to someone about things like this. Maybe even say “hey, I’m coming to you because I know you will listen with love and respond with grace.” Showing them that you value your friendship, silents that pesky voice in your head that you are a burden. Because you aren’t and never will be.

Finally, we lay our head down at night knowing we did the best we could that day. Even if keeping your heart beating throughout the day was the best you could do, you did it. Find victories. Start small. Count them. Say them. Recognize them. When you start to realize just how many things you do each day that contribute positively to your life, you realize that sometimes the good DOES outweigh the bad. You gain a perspective of yourself you didn’t know was there. And once you have that, the past truly becomes the past because the future just holds so much more and you have decided how you will see it. So much power comes with the realization that you chose your reality.

So when we find ourself in a struggle and we feel that pain, remember we are in control. We CAN do things to make it better. We have that power. We have THAT control. We cannot control what has happened, what will happened, how we reacted or responded, but we can control what we do from this point on. Don’t compare. Let yourself feel. Confide in someone. And lay down each night knowing that the smallest victory is still a win. It’s another day of not letting the struggles totally define you. It’s the hope you need to make it to the next day. Sometimes, hope is all you need. The believe that it will get better, not by something magical out there. By something magical right here. You.

That is all. Be kind to everyone you encounter for they could have read this blog just like you. And maybe, we are more alike then we know. Hold on, pain (always) ends.

Xoxo, C

Good morning TORQUE tribe! So I know it has been a while, but I think there is beauty in being real. Life happens. Things get busy. And sometimes writer’s block is a real thing. No matter how many times you fall down, mess up, break a promise, push a deadline, whatever it may be it is okay. It is the human in you. We all have done it and that is okay. As long as we make sure it gets done. So here it is getting done. I always feel like when I sit down to write or finish these blogs it’s always after a good spell of committing time to me and letting that cycle become a habit. The transformation that happens in just a short bit of time of saying yes to yourself is truly amazing. You suddenly have more time. Not more hours in a day, but more clarity of how to spend your time. Less stress about what you need to be doing because you’re already doing it. You have more energy. You sleep better. You feel better. You wear yourself better because you know deep down you are doing what you need to be doing. You can lay your head down at night and let those voices in your head tell you a bed time story to put you to sleep instead of fill your head with disappointment and guilt of what you didn’t accomplish in the day. Saying yes to you brings your so much perspective on what is important and why it is important. I had this idea in my head for a blog since maybe the beginning of September. But every time I sat down to write it, it was blank. I wanted to write about it, but no words came to my head. I now know it is because I had to change my perspective to the idea first to then be able to write about it. I had to walk the walk to be able to talk the talk. So this idea. What was it? It was the idea of shifting my perspective of getting to do things instead of having to do them. Once I did that consistently, the words started to feel easier to get down on paper. So here we go.

When I think of the word get, i think reward. Kids get dessert. We get paid. We get presents. Families get to go on vacations. When I think of the word have, I think responsibility. We have to pay our bills. We have to go to school. We have to clean the house. We have to drive to a tournament. My personal favorite, I have to workout. Think about it. When we use the word get, it is usually a positive event that is associated with it. When we use the word have, it screams negativity. Why is that? To be honest…I don’t know. But what I do know is the power of changing I have to to I get to. Think about how simple switching a word in a sentence is. Then, think about the new sentence you created and the meaning. Let’s use I have to pay the bills. Bills suck right? No one actually wants to pay them. But bills represent all the things we work for. If we have to pay them, we usually write it off and don’t think of what it actually means. If I said I get to pay bills, it associates the idea that paying them is something positive. Which it is if you really think about it. Bills represent money able to be spent on various things. Whether it be a phone bill, an electric bill, a water bill, your mortgage, etc. it shows that you not only live a life where all of these things are present, but also that you have a job that is able to support those things. Don’t let your hard work, years of training and schooling, dedication, and long hours become belittled by making it a chore to do it. I know celebrating writing a check or auto paying seems silly…but does it? It’s an opportunity to feel proud that you can support yourself and that your hard work means something. Let’s take I have to work out as an example. Because that is one I feel all of us can relate too. Yes, we have to workout. For our health, to lose weight, to maintain weight, to burn off the wine. All the things. We do have to do it. But, we also get to. There are people in this world who don’t get to go to a beautiful studio like we do. There are people in this world who cannot physically move their bodies to be able to workout… we do. When you think of it like that, it really does change from a have to a get scenario. Think about it, have you ever heard someone say, “we have to go on vacation”. Probably not because vacations are fun. But vacations cost money…just like paying bills. Vacations take time away from daily things/priorities….just like working out. But the difference is we have socially accepted and made it know that vacations are a good thing. Let’s make all the things we do in life, the things we have the ability to do, the things we have the financial power to do, good things. Because they are and they are something we should be proud of.

I know this sounds somewhat silly, but believe me it works. If you just shift that perspective a tiny bit and think of a world where you truly couldn’t do the things you think you have to do and think of what life would be like workout them, it makes them a luxury and something you want to do and are beyond proud and grateful you get to do. Try it next time you pay a bill or go to the gym. Imagine your life without electricity. Think of people who have that life. Think of how much they would want that life. Say a thought of thanks to the universe and yourself. And suddenly that task is full of gratitude. Before you workout think of someone who can’t right now. Do it for them. Thank your body for helping you through it. And celebrate you ability to do so. Life becomes so much brighter, so much sweeter, and so much more full when we celebrate every part of it. Even the parts we “have” to do.

All my love,

Caroline
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Hi TORQUE fam! So like every blog, I wait for the message or the meaning to come to me. Forcing something onto paper and pencil always feels like rambling. I like to let the ideas come into my head as the experiences and life goes into my heart. That connection between what the heart is feeling and the head is thinking is usually what comes out to be these blogs. So this week I went back to the studio. It’s summer and this summer is like two summers combined into one. Everyone is making up for last year. Cancelled trips, new trips, saying yes to things because we can, loving and living our best lives. And there is nothing wrong with that. But living our best lives, has this trend of taking us out of our normal lives. So, like some of you, my feet haven’t physically been here. And that is okay. We have to go out and do the things now while we can to make memories to look back on for when we can’t. But anyway, I made my way back to the studio like I always do. Whether it was as soon as I could or when life allowed, I signed up, walked in, and was home again.

As I was in the spin room and sweating through the class (literal sweat from the eyeballs) it happened. That heart and head connection was starting to brew. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I soon became lost in the music, the motions just sort of happened or they didn’t but I don’t really seem to care because I am in such a reflective state that I might have been pushing up when others were crunching and that’s okay. I was lost and rewinding time and fast forwarding and rewinding. The bike that goes no where was taking me everywhere. In my life, I have been so blessed to have my feet touch many places of this earth. They have seen Europe, they have walked next to elephants in Africa, they slid through mud in the Andes mountains, they have been crystal clear in the waters of the Caribbean, and most recently they stood on the most unique place I have ever seen, Hawaii. There have been many places. Not just the big ones. We’ve been in front porches to grandmas house, tops of the steps on Christmas morning, hallways of schools, turf on soccer fields, wherever they have been, it’s left a mark on my heart. And as I was spinning and lost in all of it I could see and feel some of these places and some of these situations where my feet had been. Were they always happy? No. Were they situations I wish my feet walked me out of? Sometimes. But did they mean something? Absolutely. But they were all magnificent and meaningful in their own way.



While all these places are meaningful and magnificent in their own way and I am beyond blessed to have been able to see them and experience them, truly the one place that has made most of an impact and really felt like my most greatest adventure was here. This studio. This community. TORQUE. I know that sounds dramatic when you compare it to say elephants in Africa or volcanos and turtles in Hawaii…but if you know…you know. And if you don’t, keep coming back and you soon will know. Setting my feet in this studio did more for me then I can ever express. It’s a spiritual, emotional, physical vacation that we get to go on whenever we want. You close your eyes, get lost in the music, and you become better. I can remember having these exact moments in all the magnificent places. The ones where you are in awe of the beauty of the world. The ones where you can’t believe it’s a real place. The ones where you are so thankful for this life you were given. It is a true gift and a true act of creativity and something special that those moments, those magnificent ones that people travel around the world to see and feel, happen right here in this studio.

Sometimes, it’s not so much about the beauty of the world, but rather the beauty of ourselves. When we grow through life here, we see the beauty and strength that WE have. We see the wonder in awe of what WE have been through. We see just how far we have come and just how far we have to go. It truly is a journey that I hope all you can go on. Whether it is building self esteem in yourself, dealing with a traumatic experience, or taking time for you in this crazy world, this studio is one that should be noted as an important place in all our lives. I am thankful everyday for the work that has been done here. For the instructors and the community that I am surrounded by. And for the ability to have these moments and thoughts a few times a week. It truly is something so special there just isn’t the word for it.

So whether you have been here since the beginning (shout out OGs) or today you walked in for the first time, know that the beauty and adventure and awe we spend thousands to see and travel miles to find, can be found within yourself. It’s a different kind of experience. But it makes all the other experiences that much more special because you’re seeing them and expecting them through eyes that love, a heart that sing, and a soul that beats for you. Stay true. Keep with it. And wherever you go, be where your feet are and make the most of your time there. Trust me, it is worth it.

All the love and adventure to you all,

Caroline

Hi my babes! How are YOU?! We have officially left winter behind and spring has sprung! As we approach the summer time and all that it holds I know we are all putting pressure on ourselves. I mean bathing suits, shorts, dresses, all the things and all the seasons and occasions are approaching. And this idea of losing comes into our head. Right? We have to lose weight. We have to lose or cut out food. We have to lose sleep to workout. Lose delight and joy in ice cream. Lose lose lose. All this losing puts and surrounds us with negativity. We are anxious and worried about being perfect for this thing or that vacation. And in that we lose a lot more then maybe a pound or two. We lose time. We lose confidence. We lose pieces of ourselves and our lives. So instead of losing things that are short term, why don’t we take this time to think about the thing we can lose that will stay off forever. Because you know weight fluctuates as it should. Diets change. Priorities can shift. But I think the sustainable loss we can try to achieve is the weight of other people’s opinions. That’s a loss I am okay with and a loss that will lift weight and pressure off us and raise self esteem and confidence.

Do you ever look at people who just shine. And this I want whatever they have or whatever they are taking?! Anyone else do that? I know I do. What makes them shine is the comfort and contentment they have within themselves. They take a big pill of who cares in the morning and wash it down with a glass of I’m living my life the way I want and top it off with an eff you to people who have the time or the energy to judge. And you know what? They have it figured out. Because chasing perfection, chasing change, putting pressure on the now for the someday, that is joy sucking and damaging. It’s exhausting. It’s taxing! And it’s so self demeaning. I know it because I have done it. I think we all have. We worry about what everyone else thinks about our outfit or how we look. We worry about the rolls that form when we sit on the edge of the pool or the way we order at a restaurant. As if anyone truly cares? I mean really? Think about it...do they care? The answer is no. But they will know if you care. And them knowing you’re insecure is what you’re worried about. Right? You sit there worried what they will think. What they will say. What they will whisper. But if you didn’t even give them a chance or a peace of mind to care...1) you have let go of the weight of their opinion and wear your confidence and shine 2) you don’t care what they think because you’re living your best life.

Everyday you have a choice. You can love the skin you’re in and live life or you an let the skin you are in determine how you feel about a situation. Wear the bikini. Get in the picture. Order and eat the burger and fries. I’m not saying to throw all your healthy habits out the window, but THIS IS A HEALTHY HABBIT. believing in yourself. Saying yes to yourself. Saying eff you to other peoples opinion on your happiness, that is the definition of health!! It’s time to stop worrying and carrying the weight of what people think of you. Letting go of that will open a whole new understanding to who you are and how you see your life. Because at the end of the day, that’s what this is. It’s your life. Your memories. Your photos. Your time. Your money. Your energy. Spend and use it how it best suits you and best serves you. Don’t be a puppet to someone else’s life. Because guess what...they don’t care and if they do...the chances are they need to do the same thing.

So today, let it go. Take that weight off your shoulders. Say I am enough. Say I am beautiful. Stop putting pressure to lose and lose. Lose the weight of this and anything else that happens to you is a bonus. Because when you mentally love yourself and your life...some how good things and good changes start to happen. And one day you wake up living your best life with a lifetime of memories that you lived and loved every second of. Close your eyes. Imagine what that looks like. Put your big girl pants on, look in the mirror, and make a promise to let go of their opinions and say yes to whatever makes your heart beat, your eyes shine, and your soul sing.

All my love,

Caroline

Hi beautiful humans, how are you?! I always love the time we get to share together and the realizations that come to fruition with these blog posts. They truly are a gift to me, like all of you. Guiding and loving us through life with good vibes and positivity on the forefront. As we enter into this season of spring and life starts to begin again, bloom again, come to life again, what a beautiful reminder and message the universe has sent us that we too can partake in that. We can rise. We can grow. We can bloom. With love and consistency and a promise each day, we too can become our most beautiful beings. I mean no rain, no flowers right? But I think the key here is something we all struggle to do. We all struggle to continue to do. That idea of saying yes. And not the saying yes to the fundraiser or the bake sale or the email or the dishes. We somehow find a way to say yes to all of those things, even though we don’t want to. But saying yes to ourselves? Something that we need. Something that we so want. Something that maybe we say no to because we are afraid of what yes means? I don’t know and I’m not here to judge or make you feel anything but capable. But imagine a world where we soaked up the rain and the sunshine just like flowers and we let ourselves grow. It’s the idea of letting it happen and allowing it to transform us that I know I get stuck on. So how do we say not only say yes, but also let that yes do it’s magic? I don’t know for sure, but this is what I got.

So to me saying yes is the easiest step. It’s the quick spit back response. It’s the end of the conversation. It’s the buying more time before the work starts. I mean someone asks you something and all you have to do is say yes. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. It’s what happens after the yes that gets hard. It’s literally all the other steps of the yes. So let’s say you decide to start going to spin. You know you need that time. You know you need to move your body, cleanse your soul, and let your heart feel. Saying yes to that, signing up for the class, it’s literally a few clicks and your in. But getting there...I mean the infectious smiles of people and the love of that studio alone is motivation. But it’s taking time away from work or family. It’s leaving something “more important” (so we think). It’s changing clothes, which I know sounds silly, but sometimes it’s a step ya know?? Like you just have to put the clothes on. It’s driving. It’s setting intentions. It’s doing something that maybe you know you can’t do perfectly. It’s work. But remember, saying yes was the easiest part. So it’s not really the yes, it’s what happens after. And what happens after makes it self out to be all these minor inconveniences that we try to talk ourselves out of. But what we really want to walk away from is what happens.

You see, the work that actually goes into saying yes is wearing a mask. The mask is the struggle to get there. The figuring out the schedule. The not having enough time. We say that is what causes us to not do something. To not follow through. Because we really are just trying to shy away from what happens when we do say yes AND follow through. And that little thing that happens, that pesky thing, is change. The reason saying yes is easy but following through is hard is because on the other side of yes is the walk to change. The bridge you have to walk and cross to get to the growth. And it’s not always fun or the most thrilling of walks. When we get to this point, we see everything we need to work on. All our insecurities. All the shit we deal with on the daily. All the struggles, pain, heavy things that weigh us down. So of course we want to turn around and use the inconveniences as an excuse. It easier then dealing with all of that right? But what happens if we take a step on that bridge of change? Well, that’s when the sunlight and the water start growing the flower. Aka you.

You see, when you’re faced with something that is real you kind of have to deal with it. No matter how hard you try not to, it will keep showing up and dealing with it is just part of life. When you deal with one thing, you grow a little. You take another step. When you start to grow through things, you start to live. When you begin to live in the midst of all of your insecurities and struggles, that is called living with love. Because even though you are surrounded by so much pain and so many things that need to be fixed, you still chose to live and put your best foot forward for not only those in your life, but you. That is called love. When you start loving, you start shining. You start glowing. You start setting the light for others to live a life of love. And when that happens, you grow even more.

So saying yes? Keep doing it. But this time, go all in. Say yes to the pain. Say yes to the insecurities. Say yes to the mistakes you have made. The shame you have felt. Because if you can say yes to you in your most realest and rawest forms, then you have learned to love your true self. You have let yourself accept who you are. You let in the sunshine and the rain and you my beautiful friend have started to grow.

With all my love, sunshine, and rain,

Caroline

Hi there TORQUE tribe, Happy Friday! I know that sometimes it feels like these blogs come and go, but honestly I love how they are spaced out. I always feel so excited to sit down and write a blog when I know it has been a couple weeks. There is just so much more to say with time and so much more energy in one post. Less can be more and these blogs have shown me that. I don't know about you, but I know that this snow has me in a little bit of an anxious state. I’m anxious for spring. I’m anxious about what school will look like these days. I’m anxious about it ever ending. It is just one of those things that is great the first time it happens, but now it seems as if it is an inconvenience and just another thing making 2020-21 a mess. I am trying so hard to focus on the good that 2020-21 has brought us. Virtual school means no make up days when the weather is beautiful. The studio being closed just means time to explore the online classes. Not feeling like cooking is a great opportunity to support a local business. I try, on these days, to look towards what is bright and light, instead of what we see outside, cold and dreary. Believe me tribe, warmer and brighter days are coming. In the meantime, we have to stay close and dear to the hearts in our lives who time after time, carry us home. It is a weird world.


I want you to close your eyes right now and think about the people in your life. The ones who get you when you don't get yourself. The ones you can call for literally anything. The ones who speak volumes in silence because their presence is louder than any words. The ones who love you through all the stages of life. The ones who got you here to this point. The ones who carry you home. Think of them right now. I am sure you can see their face, hear their voice, recall a memory or time they were there for you. These people were not ones that just happened to show up. Maybe it appears that way. Maybe you met on a whim. Maybe they were a result of something no longer good or present in your life. Maybe they were there all along. Whatever the case may be or the story on how they came into your life, the common theme is they not only came into your life, they are still here in your life. Again, not on a whim but rather, a reason. Yes, these people, the ones you can see so clearly and pinpoint so quickly, they are here for a reason. Maybe you knew that already, maybe you are questioning what that reason is. My advice to you is to hold them tight. Nurture your friendship. Be the same person to them as they are to you. Love hard and don't let them go. The reason is, its a big world out there. It is a scary world out there. It can be a harsh world out there. But when you can face it knowing someone has your back, it can seem a little less intimidating.

I say this not because I feel that anyone here is a bad friend. And believe me we have all been a bad friend before. There are probably people that came to mind before that you have lost touch with. People you did wrong. People you wish were in your life but unfortunately they are not. That is okay. Life is a series of events that help us to grow into our best self. It is okay to have not been okay to be a good friend to some people on your way to this place now. Every relationship, every event, every encounter adds to who you are. Without mistakes and without living through these feelings, we wouldn't know how to be a good friend. Forgive yourself for doing wrong and send them a good wish or positive energy within your heart and know that forgiveness starts within yourself and is felt when you accept it in your bones.

The reason I say this is because we have been through ALOT. We are still going through ALOT. And it is important to really recognize the people who have helped you get here. The hearts who keep carry you back to brightness and lights. I can think of so many times during this pandemic where I wanted to just be done. Right? I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to stop following the guidelines. I wanted to break the rules. I wanted to just do nothing because it was so terrible. But then I think of those times and how they gave me the opportunity to grow deeper with some people in my life. They gave me revelations on who was with me and who loved me. They gave me a reason to feel the feels and let people in. And the people who were on the other side of the phone, and then eventually the driveway, and eventually a table during this pandemic, are the people who are so deep and rooted within my heart. It may have taken a pandemic to really realize this, but I bet you can say the same about some of those people in your life. Tough times make life clear. That is a blessing in and of itself.

I ask that you take time to think about the people who pick you up and carry you on your shoulders. Tell them you love them. Friendships are so essential in life. Family is one thing, but friends are a different ballgame. Sometimes the relationship is so different, yet so the same that our friends truly become our family. Give yourself grace for the ones you couldn't love at the time. And let your heart guide you and those you love to things that are bright and good. I know it knows the way always, even if it makes some turns or hits some bumps. It eventually, gets itself back on track. Maybe with a little help from a friend who carried you home.

I love you TORQUE Tribe. I miss you in my bones. I’ll see you soon, but until then, know I'm thinking of you and holding you near and dear to my heart. XOXO.

Caroline