Hi there my loves. Another week has come and gone in the blink of an eye. It really is crazy how life seems to do that. I am sitting here, typing from the passenger seat, on my way up to Penn State for the last time as a student. Graduation is in sight. It is 2 days away. I can’t really even begin to describe the emotions and feelings that are going through me right now, but as always I am going to try and put them into words. I am like the rest of you. I have struggles, insecurities, fears, and a past. I have an old soul but a fragile heart. I wasn't always this way. I like to think the pain and struggle I had to go through during my college years, brought me to this place. I like to call it, these heights.
My story is simply that. It is a story, that is a part of me, but not the definition of me. And while my story started off sad, the ending is quite beautiful. I can remember being a newly 19 year old with all the hopes and dreams in her eyes and happiness in her soul. Finally out on her own, at college, figuring out not only life, but herself. The world was mine. But it was a big world. It was a scary world. And I had not seen that world yet. Until one day I did. I remember waking up from the day I hit rock bottom and just thinking this was it. There was nothing else I was going to do. That I had lived the most life I was going to live. I was settling into the pain that the hatred of this world inflicted on me. About 24 hours of sulking and a whole lot of tears later, I made a choice. I was not going to settle. I was not going to let someone else’s actions define me. I was going to fight the good fight. I was going to slowly, but surely, graduate. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I started by going to class. And thats what I did. I rolled out of bed, with 3 day old hair, sweatpants on with a stain covered sweatshirt, and I went to class. I remember getting back from class thinking that it was really hard. I had so many thoughts running through my head. So many fears I thought I was going to come in contact with. And kept thinking that graduation just seemed so far away. But I kept going to class. That worked for a while because I was able to put my focus and energy on something. But that only lasted so long. I have said this before a couple of times. The hardest thing about pain is that it demands to be felt. No matter how hard you try to cover it up, how deep you bury it, how many sips you take, pills you pop, people you sleep with, you name it, It doesn't go away. The only way it goes away is if you re-open the wound and heal it with love. I lived the avoidance life for a while. I pretended the pain wasn't there. I put on a great show. But I knew deep down that it was simply that. It was too good to be true. This wasn't really my life. I wasn't really happy. And eventually it caught up with me. This is the part of my story where the wound was re-opened and boy did it bleed. For about 2 years. And it all started here. At our home, our sanctuary, our happy place. TORQUE. This place, well it just about saved me. I was at an all time low. Not sure what was going to happen. School was strong but my behavior was so bad. I was hurting. My heart was crying out for me to give it some love, but I was too numb. I had forgotten how to feel. Until one day, I started crying. On a spin bike. In a dark room. To a Jessie J song. (I know a handful of you can relate). From that day on I went on a journey in life that brought me to the most amazing heights.
The journey of loving myself, of turning on my heart, of facing fear in the face, all brought me here. To one car ride, 2 sleeps, one walk across a stage to a diploma. It was the most painful, yet beautiful journey that I have ever gone on. I share this with all of you, because I did not do this alone. The emotions that I am feeling are indescribable because I can’t help but think of all of you. All of your smiles. All of your faces. All of your hugs. The texts. The calls. The conversations. The bracelets. The gifts. The love. The music. ALL OF IT was a huge part of what got me here. When I finally walk across that stage on Sunday, know that you are all with me. I could not have done this alone. So thank you. With all my heart. Thank you for walking this journey with me. Thank you for being apart of my story. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for getting my to these heights.
Here’s to a beautiful life, full of endless dreams, and countless possibilities. Find beauty in the struggle, love yourself, and just keep walking. And one day you will blink and find the best version of yourself. I am sending the BIGGEST hugs and all the happy tears in the world to my TORQUE family this weekend as I close this chapter of my life. Know you are with my in my heart and will be always.